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WEST OF OMAHA 



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West of Omaha 

A Farce in One Act 



By 
RACHEL BARION BUTLER 



' Oh, what a tangled web we weave 
When first we practice to deceive." 



BOSTON 

WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 

1909 



'5 3503 



West of Omaha 



CHARACTERS 

Ralph Knickerbocker, an artist. 

Sherwood Ainslee, his frieiid. 

Mr. Ephraim Styles, Knickerbocker' s uncle. 

Charlie, a negro house man. 

Mrs. Alexander Van Newberg, rich and aristocratic, 

RowENA Van Newberg, Jyer stepdaughter. 

Violet Arnold, her daughter by her first marriage. 




Copyright, 1909, by Walter H. Baker & Co. 



©Ci.D ^^'^ 



West of Omaha 



SCENE. — Ralph Knickerbocker's studio on a morning in 
early April. A large room, over-furnished with useless 
articles of artistic value, and ufiderfurnished i?i such co?n- 
modities as chairs, tables, etc. At back two windows. To 
L. is a door leading to a public hall. To r. a door lead- 
ing to an inner roojn. Studio easels, a modeV s stand, over 
7vhich are flung a number of pieces of rich draperies. The 
room hints at luxury pleasingly combined with Bohemian 
disregard of convention. 

{At rise of curtain the stage is empty. Presently a knock is 
heard at door L. There is no response. The knock is 
repeated, loud and long. After a pause, Sherwood A ins- 
lee appears from door r. He is wrapped in a lounging 
robe and his hair is tumbled. He yawns profusely as he 
crosses to door l.) 

Sherwood {around a yawji). Who's that ? 

Charlie {without). Yer's yo' mail, Mistah Sherwood. 

Sherwood {yaiuning). Ya-a-a — h ! Wait a minute, 
Charlie. {He opens the door and takes the mail.') Postman 
just come ? 

Charlie. Law ! Mistah Sherwood, he's been an' gone, long 

•go. 

Sherwood. What time is it ? 

Charlie. Mighty neah on to 'leven 'clock. 

Sherwood {tinconcernedly). Is it, indeed ? That'll be all, 
Charlie. Eh? What ! A thirst so early in the morning? 

Charlie {appearing, leani?ig against the door jamb). It's 
jes' this way, Mistah Sherwood. These spring mo'nings I cu- 
tainly feels the need o' a little stimulation, so I jes' takes some 
whiskey 

Sherwood {interrupting hi?fi). Here, Charlie {givi?ig him 
money from his pocket), when you begin to argue I'd rather 
pay the price than to listen to your demonstration. 



4 WEST OF OMAHA 

Charlie. Thank yo', Mistah Sherwood, thank yo', sah. Yo' 
a* cutainly a gen' man, sah. 

Sherwood. Oh, all right, all right ! (^He closes the door ; 
looks over letters.) Mr. Ralph Knickerbocker, Mr. Ralph 
Knickerbocker, Ralph Knickerbocker, Esq. Bills, I'll bet ! 
For Mr. Ralph Knickerbocker, scented. (^He sfiiffs it.) A 
lady, my dear Ralph? — and ''Ralph Knickerbocker," una- 
dorned before or behind. (^With conviction.) Uncle Eph ! 
Hi ! Ralph ! Ralph ! my love ! Uncle Eph's ponied up. 
Here's his little billy-dux along with some little billy-bills 
which uncle's extra hundred will help pay. 

Ralph {appearing at door r.). What are you bawling about, 
my young friend ? 

Sherwood {ivaving the last letter). Uncle Eph ! 

Ralph. No! Not really? 

Sherwood. Yep ! open her up. Here, before you do it, 
I'll bet you my last quarter it's for a hundred. 

Ralph. I'll not bet a cent till I lay eyes on the check. It's 
too serious a matter. {^Feelifig in his pocket.) Besides I 
haven't a quarter, I've only a dime. 

Sherwood. Well, to it, my boy, open her. 

(Ralph slits the e?welope and draws out the contents. He 
unfolds it, shakes it, looks in the envelope. On his and 
Sherwood's face appears a look of pained surprise. He 
repeats the entire performance, then shakes his head.) 

Ralph. Nothing doing. 

Sherwood. Maybe he forgot the check. 

Ralph {dryly). Yes, I think he did. 

Sherwood. But will send it later. Read what he says. 

Ralph {reading). " My dear Nephew : Yours of the sec- 
ond instant received. Feel your allowance must serve you for 
this month. As regards continuance of said allowance, I feel 
forced to advise you.- You have had unbridled rein for several 
years for the pursuance of your art, but juries seem to fail to 
recojgnize your genius. Your only course, therefore, seems, to 
me, to be a rich marriage. Apply your allowance to the pur- 
suit of a new mistress and I feel your success is assured. I 
will assist you to the extent of my ability and can introduce 
you to several eligible parties. One I have already in mind, 
and will come to town soon for the purpose of introducing you 
to her. Beyond using my influence toward your marriage, I 



WEST OF OMAHA 5 

must beg you to not rely upon me for the future. Your very 
affectionate uncle, Epbraiui Styles." 

Sherwood {zvhistling a long, long whistle). Your very af- 
fectionate uncle, Ephraim Styles. 

Ralph. Yes, he loves me as the spider does the fly. I call 
that damnable ! Old miser ! 

Sherwood. It gives me a sinking feeling in my tummy, 
Ralph. 

Ralph. That's nothing to what your tummy will feel before 
the next allowance comes in. Speaking of stomachs, is there 
anything to eat? 

Sherwood ingoing to a carved cabinet and iiivestigating). 
Three dry rolls and some coffee. 

Ralph. Ha ! eat, drink and be merry, for to-morrow — 
why, to-morrow — there will be no dry rolls or coffee. 

Sherwood. And 1 gave that beggar Charles a dime for 
'* stimulation." 

Ralph. Extravagance, my boy, is the root of all hunger. 
You can buy a dozen rolls for a dime. 

Sherwood. And two dozen if they're dry. 

{^He gets out gas stove, coffee-pot, etc., aiid proceeds to pre- 
pare breakfast. Ralph assists spasmodically, finally 
subsiding into a chair from which he has removed a num- 
ber of odd articles. ) 

Ralph. Uncle Ephraim be — damned ! It's an awful thing 
to be looking matrimony in the eyes. 

Sherwood. Kind of thought you had impulsive tendencies 
of your own volition in that direction lately, my boy. 

Ralph. It's a very different matter, running your own 
head into the noose from being lassoed. 

Sherwood. Oh ! speaking of the fair unknown, methinks 
there is an epistle somewhere amongst that mail — pearly pink 
and scented. 

Ralph {risins^ impatiently). Well, why in the name of 
grass didn't you say so? 

Sherwood. I'm neither a carrier dove nor Cupid's little 
messenger, my dear boy. Look out for your own mail. 

Ralph {ope nins^ letter ; reading). Oh, Lord ! 

Sherwood. Has she eloped with a handsomer man ? That'd 
be easy enough. 

Ralph. Her mother's home from her honeymoon. 

Sherwood. Whose mother ? 



6 WEST OF OMAHA 

Ralph. Violet's. 

Sherwood. Violet being the adored one ? 
Ralph. Urn — huh! {Still reads. ^ 

Sherwood. How old is the lady if her mother's young 
enough for a honeymoon ? 

Ralph. Never knew there was any age limit as to eligibility 
for a honeymoon — anyhow, not from a woman's standpoint. 
Violet's mollier, some three months ago, took unto herstlf a 
new lord and master — Mr. Van — Van — something. Oh ! hang 
it ! 1 can't remember his name. 

Sherwood. You have met mamma ? 

Ralph. Good heavens no ! She was on her honeymoon 
when I met Violet. Violet's been staying with her aunt. 
And auntie doesn't like 7ne a little bit. She has views as to 
Violet's marriage, and Fm not in the perspective. She will 
probably dress me up in all my impecunious glory to mamma 
and my troubles of the last three months will seem like money 
from home compared to what mamma will give me. 

Sherwood. Please don't say money from home. It makes 
me lonesome. In the meantime,, come to breakfast. The 
morning repast is laid. Food has a marvelously cheering 
effect. 

Ralph. Food ! Yes, but do you call dry rolls food ? 

Sherwood. V A poor thing, but mine own." And what is 
Violet's news from the front ? Has mamma been told your 
awful name and story ? 

Ralph. Not yet, but soon. Auntie has been more than 
usually troublesome and can't hold out long before calling on 
mamma for reinforcements. And now Uncle Ephraim with- 
draws even my scanty financial props. Oh ! this is lovely ! 

Sherwood. Have some more coffee ? 

Ralph. More? I've not noticed any yet. 

Sherwood. You just put down a whole cup. 

Ralph. Wliat ! that? I took that for my cup of hot water 
before breakfast. 

Sherwood. Well, you make the coffee next time if you 
don't like mine. Open up your other mail. Maybe it'll im- 
prove your temper. 

Ralph. Not likely. They're all bills. 

Sherwood. Let me have a look. {He looks over re?nain- 
ing mail.) This has a crest on it. 

Ralph. If it's not a bill, it's a tailor's advertisement or a 
new health food. Open it if you want to. 



WEST OF OMAHA 7 

Sherwood {opening and glancing over letter). Ralph, your 
fortune's made ! 

Ralph. If it's gold mines, I'm not buying at present. 

Sherwood. Stimulate yourself with another roll before I 
begin. 

Ralph. Well, the worst has come so I guess I can bear up 
under too much joy. 

Sherwood {with some excitement'). *' Mr. Knickerbocker, 
Dear Sir : As I am to introduce my younger daughter this 
winter and am anxious to make her social success as pro- 
nounced as possible, I have decided a portrait of her painted 
by you would make her debut unique. I have been charmed 
by the many pieces of your work I have seen of late, and am 
willing to pay a large sum, provided you will assure me yor 
will not undertake another debutante this season." (You can 
assure her of that all right.) *' I will call at your studio some 
time this week hoping to complete the arrangement. Will 
bring my daughter that we may decide on gown, style of 
portrait, et cetera. Believe me very cordially, Rebecca Moor^ 
Van Newberg." Why, aren't you chortling with joy? 

Ralph. Not at all. It's meant for another man. That'a 
easy. I'm always getting his mail. Now I've got the trouble 
of remailing it marked " opened by mistake." 

Sherwood. Ralph, your young temper seems blasted. If 
you let this chance go by, you — you — deserve to choke on dry 
rolls the rest of your life ! 

Ralph. I may be visionary, my dear Sherwood, but even I 
can't see golden prospects in another man's portrait order. 

Sherwood. That just shows you're too visionary to see 
business when it waves under your nose. Why do you let this 
be another man's order? 

Ralph. What do you mean ? 

Sherwood. She's got you mixed, but she ha.s your address 
all right, somehow. Well, clinch your bargain before she 
knows the difference, then paint the portrait and make your- 
self famous. 

Ralph. My dear Sherwood, you're dreaming. 

Sherwood. No, I'm not. The very letter comes in the 
same mail with Uncle Ephraim's affectionate ultimatum and 
Violet's joyful news, and you won't see Providence in a letter 
like t/iat. Good Lord, man ! you remember the story of the 
darky who prayed " Lord, I don't ask you to send me a 
chicken. Just tell me where one is, and I'll go get it." Do 



S WEST OF OMAHA 

you expect your chicken roasted and served for you ? {There 
is a knock at the door. Sherwood goes^ opens it, takes in 
card and reads.) "Mrs. Alexander Van Nevvberg ! " {There 
is a short pause.) By the lord Harry ! your cliicken/i- served ! 
Is she down-stairs, Charlie ? 

Charlie. Yes, sah. 

Ralph. I can't do it, Sherwood. I'm not good at lying. 

Sherwood. My dear boy, don't underrate your powers. 
Just try. 

Ralph. Well, I'm not a bit keen on the idea. 

Sherwood. But you'll do it? 

Ralph {still uncertainly). Well 

Sherwood. Show the lady up, Charlie, immediately. 
{To Ralph.) I'm not going to give you time to change your 
mind. 

Ralph. You look like Lady Macbeth ! ''Infirm of pur- 
pose! Give me the daggers." And speaking of Lady 
Macbeth, are you aware you're still in your lounging robe ? 

Sherwood {moving, not over fast, toward r.). True, 
true ! I hasten. 

Ralph {at window, looking doivn). The unsuspecting 
victim alights — she is a silken lady somewhat corpulent — and 
by George ! she has brought the youthful subject with her. 
Pretty girl, too. 

Sherwood Well, for heaven's sake, man, you're late giv- 
ing a fellow a hint. Do I look like receiving youth and beauty ? 
{He disappears suddenly ittto room at r., then pokes his head 
out.) Gather up the coffee-pot, man ! We look like a ten 
cent lunch room. 

(Ralph gathers up renmants of breakfast, cups, coffee-pot, 
etc., hurriedly.) 

Ralph. Hurry up, my son, I'm not anxious to face the 
enemy alone. I need -you. I am ever one to acknowledge 
genius, and you'd have been an invaluable assistant to the 
father of our country whenever he couldn'' t tell a lie. 

Sherwood {within roojn). I'm going to borrow your blue 
necktie. 

Ralph. Oh ! any little thing you fancy ! This is your 
project and I suppose you must dress the part. 

Mrs. Van Newberg. {without, at a distance). The third 
flight too ! dear, dear ! 



WEST OF OMAHA Q 

Ralph {a?ixiousIy to Sherwood). Haste ye, nymph ! 
I'm getting stage fright. 

Sherwood {ivitJiiti). Buck ii[), buck up ! 

Ralph {peeping out of door). Delayed on the landing — I 
neetlii't luive hurried — I forgot the corpulency. 

Sherwood. How's the young one at close range? 

Ralph {iooki/i^^ out again). Can't see her. They're 
coming on up now. Say, where do I belong when " ladie? 
enter " ? 

Sherwood {appearing; at door). At the easel, at the easel. 
"Assume a palette tho' you use it not ! " And for heaven's 
sake look busy. {He disappears.) 

Ralph. That's asking too much. I'm not an Irving. 
What keeps you so long ? 

Sherwood. Lost my collar button. 

Ralph. What's a collar button to yonr best friend's 
nerves? Pin it. 

Sherwood. Your nerves are all right ; what you want's 
nerve. Take a brace. 

Ralph. I'd rather have a bracer. 

Sherwood. A little stimulation ? Are you at the easel ? 

Ralph. Yes, but I'd rather have you look and see if I 
make a good picture. 

Sherwood. I never knew you to, before. 

{A knock at the door.) 

Ralph (Jn stage wiiisper). Sherwood, Sherwood, they're 
knocking. 

Sherwood. Well, go open the door. Are you chained by 
the leg ? 

Ralph. How can I make a picture at the easel if I open 
the door? 

Sherwood. Well, you'll have to. I can't find that button. 

Ralph {still in stage whisper). What shall I say? 

Sherwood. Can't you trust a little to insi)iration ? Besides 
you're facing a woman — she'll take five minutes' handicap be- 
fore j'^// have to begin. Hurry up, man, they're waiting. 

Ralph. I'll wait till they knock again. They'll take it for 
the abstraction of genius. 

Sherwood. They'll take it you don't keep a servant. 
Hurry w\). 

(Ralph goes to door, palette in hand, and opens it. In the 



10 WEST OF OMAHA 

doorway appear Mrs. Van Newberg and Rowena Van 
Newberg. Mrs. N k'^'H. is breafniess from the climb.') 

Mrs. Van N. A — a — chair — if you please. 

Ralph {supplying it by sweeping one clear of things'). Of 
course. 

Mrs. Van N. (fooking up despairingly^. And a glass — of 
water. 

Ralph. Yes, yes. {Over to r. to get^vater. Z(? Sher- 
wood,. /// inner room.) Hurry up, Sher, she's a peach. 

Sherwood {withifi). Damn that i^utton ! 

Ralph. Pin it, pin it. 

Sherwood. I've tried, and all I've pinned is my fingers. 

Ralph {taking water to Mrs. Van N., at l. To Rowena). 
Is there anything else I can do ? 

Rowena. Oh, no ! Mamma'll be all right. Only it's irri- 
tating not to be able to talk even for a few minutes, isn't it, 
mamma? 

Mrs. Van N. {gasping). There are times when I wonder 
if you're as — ingenuous as you look, Rowena. 

Rowena. There now, you see, you're better. You can 
talk. 

Mrs. Van N. {reviving; /^ Ralph). My goodness! Why 
do you live on the third floor? 

Ralph. The view is finer — {to himself) and the rent less. 

Mrs. Van N. What — is a — view to a flight of stairs, Mr. 
Knickerbocker? 

Ralph. Yes, Mrs. Van Newberg ? 

Mrs. Van N. Let me present you to my daughter. Rowena, 
Mr. Knickerbocker. 

(Sherwood appears from r.) 

Ralph {to Sherwood). Sherwood ! Thank the Lord ! 
Mrs. Van Newberg, allow me to present my friend Sherwood 
Ainslee, — Miss Van Newberg — Mr. Ainslee. {The introduc- 
tions arc acknowledged. Ralph, aside to Sherwood.) 
Pinned ? 

Sherwood {grumpily). Stung! 

Mrs. Van N. Did you receive my note, Mr. Knicker- 
bocker ? 

Ralph. Yes, indeed, Mrs. Van Newberg. Li fact I was 
just reading it when your card was sent up. 

Mrs. Van N. Ah ! then you know the purpose*of my visit? 
I trust I'm not too late with my debutante. {Archly.) 



WEST OF OMAHA II 

Ralph. Not at all, not at all. In fact she's my first de- 
butante. 

Mrs. Van N. Why, I thought you painted Hilda Diemster 
last year. 

Ralph {seeing his mistake'). ~ Ah ! last year — oh, yes ! 
But this year, you know — this year, of course not. Ha! this 
year — of course not. 

Mrs. Van N. {slightly surprised at his emphasis'). And 
you understand, Mr. Knickerbocker, I do want Rowena's por- 
trait to be your only debutante this season. 

Ralph {very earnestly). Let me assure you, Mrs. Van 
Newberg, she will be, she will be my only debutante. 

Mrs. Van N. That is good of you, Mr. Knickerbocker, 
and I shall appreciate it to the fullest extent. Now, do let me 
see some of your late work. 

Sherwood {aside to Ralph). This time your work's a lit- 
tle too 'Mate." 

Ralph {to Mrs. Van N.), V/ell, you see, Mrs. Van New- 
berg, most of my things are out now — on — on exhibition, you 
know. And it rather strips the studio — as you can see. 

Mrs. Van N. Oh ! but, Mr. Knickerbocker, anything, any 
little thing. I am so fond of art ! 

Ralph {aside to Sherwood). What am I going to do? 

Sherwood. Get out your old studies and bluff it. When 
people say they "love art," they don't know a New England 
rock from a French cathedral. 

Ralph. Well, then, Mrs. Van Newberg, I shall have to im- 
pose some of my old student work upon you. {Aside to Sher- 
wood.) Do you think she can stand the nude ? 

{They rimunage amongst sketches.) 

Sherwood. Begin with the still life and make a crescendo. 
If she can live through your flower studies, she won't know 
what the nude is when she gets to it. 

Ralph. Just for that I'll show her all ! 

Sherwood. Well, please do, if I'm to have the daughter 
left to my tender mercies. I was never embarrassed before in 
my life, as you can bear witness^ — but, Ralph, she's a stunner ! 
She strikes me dumb. 

Ralph. Still there's no hope it'll be for long. You must 
pardon me, Mrs. Van Newberg, but these old studies of mine 
seem to be buried. Ah ! here they are. 



12 WEST OF OMAHA 

(Mrs. Van N. crosses to Ralph at r., where he has drawn 
out a large portfolio, filled with various studies in char- 
coal and color. They look over the portfolio. Sherwood 
approaches Rowena, who stands perfectly self-possessed at 
L. His gaze is one of rapt admiration for her profile, 
which she presents to him. He makes several ineffective 
efforts to speak, opens his mouth and almost begins, then 
thinks better of it and closes it, much to Rowena' s evi- 
dent ajnusement, as she watches him out of the corner of 
her eye. Suddenly she turns on hi?n in the midst of one 
of his struggles, a7id says fuerrily.) 

Rowena. For goodness' sake ! say it, Mr. Ainslee. You 
look as if you'd be so much more comfortable if you did. 

Sherwood. Comfortable isn't the word. I'd be perfectly 
happy, if I dared to. 

Rowena (insinuatingly). I wouldn't let a dare stand in the 
way of perfect happiness. 

Sherwood. Well, then (earnestly), you're the most adora- 
ble girl I ever saw. 

Rowena (calmly). Is that all ? 

Sherwood (with an entire retur?i to his usual self -assuraiice). 
All ! Did you expect a marriage license ? 

Rowena. Well, if I'm any judge of perfect assurance, 
you're capable of even that. 

Sherwood. By George ! I like you. 

Rowena. And I liked you from the first moment I heard 
you say stung. 

Sherwood. Did you hear that? 

Rowena. I did. What was the matter? 

Sherwood. Collar button. 

Rowena. Lost ? 

Sherwood. Um — um. 

Rowena. Too bad. I'm sorry. 

Sherwood. Do you know, you don't look or seem the least 
like a debutante. 

Rowena. Thank you, very much. 

Sherwood. Oh, don't mention it. What for? 

Rowena. For thinking I don't look like a debutante. 

Sherwood. But you are one. 

Rowena. That's bad enough. But if one is a murderer 
it's quite superfluous to look like one. 

Sherwood. Is that the way you feel ? 



WEST OF OMAHA 1 3 

RowENA. Like a murderer ? Well, I feel tendencies. 

Sherwood. Why? 

RuWENA. I'm sent up for two years at hard society work. 
If 1 don't marry then 

Sherwood. Oh ! let's marry sooner ! 

RowENA (^ignoring liiin). My term is extended indefinitely, 
and as for a husband, nothing I've seen so far 

Sherwood. Nothing ? 

Rowena. I didn't say no man — presents any possibilities 
of matrimonial escape. 

Sherwood {^chuckling delightedly). I never saw any girl 
like you. 

Rowena. That's merely because you've never been west 
of Omaha. 

Sherwood. And you have? 

Rowena. Ever since I was ten. 

Sherwood. But why ? Your people are New Yorkers. 

Rowena. Oh ! I was a spindle-legged, pale little weed, 
and they sent me West for my health. And there I've grown 
up. I've slept under the stars and watched snow-capped 
mountains and ridden ! — I ride in the park now, but to what 
I've been used, it's like feeding sugar-water to a man that 
wants roast beef. When I heard you say "stung" just now, 
I could have fallen on your neck. 

Sherwood. Why didn't you? 

Rowena (^demurely). Well, there was mamma. 

Sherwood. She's busy now. 

Rowena (^laughing). Poor dear mamma ! When she saw 
me first ! 

Sherwood. Saw you first ! 

Rowena. Yes, she and dad came West on their wedding 
journey 

Sherwood. Wedding journey ! Am I dreaming? 

Rowena. Oh ! I forgot you didn't know. Mamma is my 
father's wife — and my stepmother. They were married three 
months ago. 

Sherwood. I begin to see light. 

Rowena. And, on their wedding journey, they stopped to 
see me. Mamma threw up her hands in horror at my way of 
living — and planned this New York campaign. So here I am 
• — woe's me ! 

Sherwood. Are you so very sorry? 

Rowena. Not so sorry as I was yesterday. 



14 WEST OF OMAHA 

Sherwood. That isn't fair — when niaiuma is looking. 

RuvvENA. Since I've been home, if you could see the men 
I've met ! 

Sherwood. If I could throttle them ! 

RowENA. Oh ! it wouldn't be necessary to throttle them. 
A gentle tap on the head would lay them low. And that's 
what I've got to dance with, and talk with, and flirt with, for 
two years. Mr. Ainslee, you must ask me to tea sometimes and 
let me K.sso the teacups and corrall the sugar tongs, or I shall 
go crazy. 

Sherwood. Every day — if you will. 

{They continue their cofiversation.') 

Mrs. Van N. {who has been looking over studies with 
Ralph a?id come at last to the nude studies). It seems to me 
— Mr. Knickerbocker — if you will pardon my saying so — they 
have very scanty apparel. 

Ralph. Oh ! you must understand, Mrs. Van Newberg, 
these are merely studies from casts. The classic Greek, you 
understand 

Mrs. Van N. Oh ! I see. Casts — oh ! all the difference 
in the world. All these must bring back many happy 
memories, Mr. Knickerbocker. 

Ralph. The happiest days of my life ! With a regular 
allowance ' 

Mrs. Van N. {ponderously arch). The happiest days ! 
Now, what domestic difficulties I might create, if I should tell 
that to your wife. 

Ralph {blankly). My wife ! 

Mrs. Van N. Don't look so frightened, or I shall really 
believe you stand in awe of her. I am hoping to meet her 
soon. I have always heard of her in such glowing terms from 
Mrs. Henry Martin. Mrs. Martin tells me she's out of town. 

Ralph {not yet recovered). Yes — er yes, she's out of town 
— now. {Groaning aside.) A wife. Whose wife? 

Mrs. Van N. With her mother ? 

Ralph {aside, mopping his brow). And a mother-in-law ! 
{Aloud.) Yes, with her mother. 

Mrs. Van N. Have you a portrait of Mrs. Knickerbocker 
here ? 

Ralph. Not now, not now, Mrs. Van Newberg. In fact, 
I haven't painted her yet. I expect to soon, however, soon. 
(^To Sherwood.) Sherwood, old man, I want you a'minute. 



WEST OF OMAHA 1 5 

(Sherwood is however quite deaf.) 

Mrs. Van N. Then of course you'll paint her with the 
baby. 

Ralph (Joud and startled'). What baby ! 

Mrs. Van N. Why your baby, Mr. Knickerbocker. 

Ralph (aside). A baby ! (Aloud.) Ha! ha! of course, 
of course, my baby. I was only chaffing, of course, ha ! ha ! 
(Aside.) Damn Sherwood ! (To Sherwood.) Sher, old 
man ! 

Mrs. Van N. (following him). Have you a picture of the 
baby, Mr. Knickerbocker? 

Ralph (firmly). No, no, Mrs. Van Newberg, I liaven't a 
picture of the baby. It's a great pity, but what must be, must, 
even to a baby's picture. (He almost shouts.) Sherwood ! 

Sherw^ood (startled). What ! 

Ralph. Mrs. Van Newberg wants you to tell her a number 
of things, a number of things and — I'd like to speak to you a 
moment myself. Will you excuse us? 

(To Mrs. Van N. and Rowena.) 

Mrs. Van N. (^r^j-j-/«^/^ r.). Certainly. (. 7b Rowena.) 
Mr. Knickerbocker seems very eccentric. 

Ralph (to Sherw^ood at ^^.^ still mopping his brow). I'm 
married. 

Sherwood. Wliat ! 

Ralph. I'm married. At least the other Ralph Knicker- 
bocker's married, so I am too. 

Sherwood. Ralph, the heat's gone to your head. 

Ralph. No, it hasn't. Here, you wait a minute. I tell 
you I'm married, or Mrs. Van Newberg thinks I am, which is 
worse. I've got a wife and a mother-in-law, and a baby, and 
put 'em all together, it's too sudden ! I'll be in a straight 
jacket countii]g my fingers, in a padded cell, if you don't take 
this family off my hands. 

Sherwood. What do you want me to do ? Kill them off? 

Ralph. I wish I could ! But we'll have to lie them off. 
You got me into this, now you can pull me out. 

Sherwood. Oh, hang it, I've got business of my own. 

Ralph. Lying to the daughter. I've had my eye on you. 

Sherwood. I haven't been lying. I've been telling the 
truth for the first time in my life. 

Ralph. Well, if you don't help me out, I won't do a thing 



l6 WEST OF OMAHA 

for you, but cook you up to mamma. I'll give you a past 
without so respectable an adjunct as a wife. 1 warn you now ! 
I'm at least a respectable married man. 

Sherwood. If you're going to give yourself airs on the 
married line, I'll just cut out. What do you want me to do? 

Ralph. Lie, lie, like a man. And for heaven's sake don't 
leave me alone with the old lady again. When do babies 
teelhe, how soon do they talk, when do they walk ? She wants 
to know everything. I ought to have read up on babies. It's 
awful to be ignorant on any subject under heaven, when you 
want to lie. Novv's your chance, my boy, to break the record 
at lying and live up to your reputation for a delicate falsifier. 
You do it so much more aptly than I do. 

Sherwood. Just indicate the line these prevarications are 
to be along. How much does she know? 

Ralph {despairingly). Everything ! She can give me cards 
and spades on babies ! 

Sherwood. Oh, shut up, for heaven's sake ! I mean, has 
she met your wife? 

Ralph. Please, please don't you say ''your wife" that 
way. It makes me almost believe it's true. 

Sherwood. You're mighty particular, it seems to me. Has 
she met the lady she thinks is your wife? 

Ralph. Not yet. 

Sherwood. Has she seen the baby or a picture of it ? 

Ralph. Don't think so. 

Sherwood. Does she know your mother-in-law? (Ralph 
begins to protest.) Well, then, the mother-in-law. 

Ralph. No, I don't think she does. 

Sherwood. Why, man, that's easy. She's a mere infant in 
your hands. Call the lady '*my wife," and the mother-in-law 
<'my wife's mother," tlie baby we'll have a girl; name Etliel, 
age three years. The little beggar ought to be over teething 
by that time. Have you got those facts fixed in your mind, 
you gibbering idiot? Please don't diverge from those simple 
statements without notifying me. And now "back to the 
ladies." Probably they're thinking we're planning a modern 
hold-up, we've taken so long. 

Ralph {clutching Sherwood's <r^<7/-/'^//). Sherwood, don't 
you leave me, or I'll cook your goose with the old lady. 

Sherwood. Oh ! come along. (7t? Mrs. Van N.) Sorry 
to have been so long, Mrs. Van Newberg, but Ralph and I 
have been talking over the portrait. 



WEST OF OMAHA I7 

Ralph {catching at the idea as a drow?iifig man at a straw). 
Yes, the portrait. Let's talk of the portrait. The portrait's 
the thing. {Laughs uneasily.') 

Sherwood {in an undertone, aside). Cut it, cut it. Keep 
cool. {Aloud.) Now if Miss Van Newberg will permit us, 
we're going to make a little analytical study of her charms, to 
gauge backgrounds and colors and so on. A portrait ought to 
be merely a setting for the individual, so the very colors must 
throw out and enhance the figure. Ralph, go get some of 
those draperies from the other room. 

Ralph {gazing helplessly). Draperies? 

Sherwood {taking him firmly by the arm, in an undertone). 
Go — into — the — other — room — and — on — your — left — in — the 
— cupboard — get — silk — draperies — and — bring — them — here. 
See ! Also fix up the room. That portiere is a mere nothing 
to such eyes as Mrs. Van Newberg's. 

Ralph. Oh, oh — all right ! \^Goes out r. 

Mrs. Van N. Mr. Knickerbocker doesn't seem entirely 
well. 

Sherwood (easily). Well, he's just a little out of form, it's 
true. 

Mrs. Van N. No bad news from Mrs. Knickerbocker, I 
hope. 

Sherwood {7vith assurance). Oh, no, no, not for a minute. 

Mrs. Van N. Or the baby? 

Sherwood. Oh, not for a moment. No, indeed ! There's 
nothing the matter with her. 

Mrs. Van N. Why, I thought the baby was a boy. 

Sherwood. Did I say her? Now isn't that funny i> Shows 
my weakness for the opposite sex. I meant him, of course. 

Mrs. Van N. How old is he, did you say? 

Sherwood {ivith firjnness). Three years old. 

Mrs. Van N. Three ! Then Mr. Knickerbocker has two 
babies? 

(Ralph has just appeared at the door in time to catch Mrs. 
Van N.'s last speech. He disappears precipitately into 
the inner room.) 

Sherwood. No, no ! Only one. {Aside.) 1 wouldn't 
dare face him with another one, 

Mrs. Van N. Wliy, Mrs. Martin spoke of the bnby just 
beginning to walk and talk. 



\S WEST OF OMAHA 

Sherwood. Of course, I meant three months, three monf/is, 
Mrs. Vail Nevvberg. 

Mrs. Van N. Walking and talking at three months ! Oh, 
Mr. Ainslee ! 

Ralph enters cautiously from r. 

RowENA (J.aui(liiiig). I fear you don't know much about 
babies, Mr. Ainslee. You seem awfully rusty on the subject. 

Ralph {who catches Rowena's speech'). Ha ! ha ! ha ! ha ! 
I say, Sher, that is a good one. Now isn't tiiis " easy " ? Ha ! 
ha! 

Sherwood. Well, since you're the father of this interesting 
young person, perhaps you'll tell Mrs. Van Newberg how old 
he is. 

Ralph. He ! (//z a whisper to Sherv/ood.) Is it a boy? 

(Sherwood jiods icily.') Why, he is three (Sherwood 

coughs violently. Ralph begins to see his mistake.) Now, 
you must guess, Mrs. Van Newberg. Just for fun, you guess. 

Mrs. Van N. Oh, that's not hard. If he's walking and 
talking 



Ralph (/<? Sherwood). He's walking and talking 

Sherwood {liisgustedly). Well, of <r^//ri-^ he is. 

Mrs. Van N. Ishould say he was just about — a year. 

Ralph. Now, isn't that funny? He \sjust exactly a year. 
It's wonderful' the way women guess. (Jiastily.) Here are 
the draperies, old man. I'm more than anxious to talk over 
this portrait. Now, if you will sit here, Miss Van Newberg. 
Shall we try this dull yellow for a background? 

Mrs. Van N. What do you think of a profile, Mr. Knick- 
irbocker ? 

{They stand at -^^ 

Ralph. We'll try it. 

Sherwood {at i.., pointedly to Rowena). The trouble with 
a profile is one loses the glory of the eyes and the perfect 
chiseling of the lips. 

Rowena {to him). I was not wrong in my estimate of your 
assurance. 

Sherwood. Even though I were a less assured man I should 
have to admit all I have. 

Rowena. To yourself perhaps — but not necessarily to tiie 
subject. 

Mrs. Van N. Will you try that violet piece, Mr. Ainslee? 



WEST OF OMAHA I9 

RowENA (to Sherwood, as he changes the drapery), I 
woiikln't mind a lasso effect myself, with a sage grass back- 
ground. 

Mrs. Van N. No, I don't like it. ( Considers new drapery. 
From laii/iout is heard the clang of approaching Jire apparatus. 
KowE^ i\ J a/nps np and goes to window, back.) Rowena ! 

RowENA [looking out). They're going right by here ! Oh, 
I do so love fire engines. You see 1 come from the country 
and tb.ey're a delicious novelty. They're stopping at the cor- 
ner. The fire must be just across the street. We could see it 
from in there. Oh ! Mr. Ainslee, may I go into the other 
room ? 

Mrs. Van N. Rowena ! 

Sherwood {pointedly). Ralph, may she go into the other 
room ? 

Ralph. Oh, yes, yes, it's all right. I — er — straightened it 
up. 

Shekwood. A-hem. 

(Rowena, without further ado, followed by Mrs. Van N. 
and Sherwood, disappears into the infier room.) 

Ralph. Thank all the gods of fire, for a moment's respite. 
May it take long to burn, whatever it is ! {There is a knock 
at the door, a soft but perfectly audible knock. Ralph, wear- 
ily.) Either more mail or more trouble. {He goes to door L. 
a7id opens it. In the dwrway Violet Arnold appears. She 
is a slight girl delicately built, sensitive and not so self-cofifi- 
dent as the younger but more positive Rowena. Her voice is 
low, her hair soft, and altogether she is delicately feminine. 
Ralph, aghast.) Violet ! By all that's gracious, where did 
you fall from ? 

Violet. What a greeting for a lover ! Aren't you glad to 
jee me ? 

Ralph {anxiously). What's happened? I know only 
something serious would bring you here. 

Violet {enjoying his suspense). Mayn't I pay you a morn- 
ing call just for diversion ? 

Ralph. Why, Violet, there isn't exactly any harm in it, 
but — but — well, hang it, it's not quite proper for a girl to call 
on a man in bachelor quarters, you know. 

Violet. But this is your studio. 

Ralph. Yes, but it's my apartment, too, all right. I'm 
sorry, Vi, but I can't let you in. 



20 WEST OF OMAHA 

Violet {ivith mock sadness'). You won't let me in? 

Ralph. No, dear. You must see the reason. Now go 
quick, like a good girl, for there're people in the other room I 
don't care to have see you here. 

Violet. Oh! that's the reason it isn't "proper" for me 
to come in, 1 suppose. Now, I won't go till I know who they 
are. It's another girl. I know it's another girl. 

Ralph. Yes, it is another girl 

Violet. Ah, ha ! 

Ralph. But she's properly chaperoned. 

Violet. Oh, it's quite likely 

Ralph. Well, she is, whether you believe it or not, so for 
goodness' sake, go, before they see you. They must be coming 
back any moment now. 

Violet. Well, what if they do? I've a good reason for 
being here. I have an appointment. 

Ralph. An appointment ! 

Violet. With my mother. 

Ralph (iviidly). But why bring your mother here, and to- 
day ? I've had enough to bear — mothers-in-law, wives, babies, 
and now another mother. Violet, intercept her, throw your- 
self under her horse's feet, but don't bring her here to-day. 
Go, please go, if yOu love me, before those people descend on 
us from the other room. 

Violet (a little stiibborji). I don't see why I mayn't know 
who they are. I'll tell them I'm waiting for my mother. 
That's perfectly proper. 

Ralph. But girls are always waiting for their mothers. It 
won't do ; you must go, Violet. 

(^He starts to close the door.) 

Violet {exasperated). Don't you dare to close that door. 

Ralph. But they're coming, dear. 

Violet. I don't care if they are — don't you close that door. 
(Ralph /// a panic of indecision stands helpless. Violet 
catches a glimpse of the others entering the room frofn R.) 
Why, it's mother and Rowena ! Why didn't you tell meat 
the first ? It seems to me this is a little more than a good joke. 
{She sweeps past hijn into the room as Mrs. Van N., Rowena 
and Sherwood enter from r. To Mrs. Van N.) 1 have 
been detained, mother. I hope I haven't kept you waiting? 

Ralph {as the situation daivns on him). Her mother ! 

{He is struck dumb.) 



WEST OF OMAHA 21 

Mrs. Van N. Violet, this is Mr. Knickerbocker. This is 
my daughter, Violet Arnold, Mr. Knickerbocker. And Mr. 
Ainslee, Violet. (Violet acknowledges the iiitrodiictiojis icily 
to Ralph, who is still staggered by the suddenness of t/ie bloiv.') 
No, you're not late. We were early. We got through our 
shop[)ing sooner than we expected. We've made a start 
toward the portrait. You were right, dear. Mr. Knicker- 
bocker will undertake it gladly. 

Ralph (Jioping to allay the wratli). Oh, glatUy, Vi, — 
Miss Arnold. 

Violet (icily). Delighted, I'm sure. 

{The door at l. during this scene has been left opeti. 
Charlie noiu appears in it. He coughs deprecatingly to 
attract Ralph's attention.') 

Charlie {somewhat louder). A-hem ! Mistah Knicker- 
bocker, a- hem ! 

Ralph {turning and seeing). Well, Charlie, what is it? 
What is it? {Impatiently.) 

Charlie. A telegram, Mistah Knickerbocker. That lazy 
no 'count watamelon seed of a boy sez he don't walk up no 
three flight stahs, no siree. So ma po' ol' laigs got a bring huh 
up. (Ralph tears open telegram and reads ; Charlie raj?i- 
bles on to him.) Yo' certainly looks troubled, Mistah Knick- 
erbocker; I knows what's de mattah. Women! When women 
finds yo', peace goes out the do'. Dat's what I said when I 
sees 'em comin' heah this mo'ning. De Good Book sez it wuz 
the woman the sarpent tempted, co's he knew mighty well, if 
he cu'd get huh started once, she cu'd mek mo' trouble'n he 
evah thought o'. Woman 

Ralph {who has been reading the telegram distractedly, 
reaches in his pocket and brings out a dime). Here, Charlie, 
here's my last dime, but take it and cut. It's cheap at the 
price, and now for heaven's sake, go / 

Charlie {pocketing money). Po' Mr. Knickerbocker. The 
women's got him. But I don't bear no ha'd feeling 'gainst a 
gen' man in trouble. 

{Jingling the dime in his pocket he goes out L.) 

Ralph {looking at his watch). Just five minutes to make 
it ! {To the others.) I'm awfully sorry, but this is a telegram 
from my uncle, asking me to meet him. The train is due in 
five minutes. Will you excuse me? He is — er — eccentric and 



22 WEST OF OMAHA 

might not understand my not appearing, or I would not go. 
I'll be back in a moment, as soon as I can settle him in a near-by 
hotel. May I ask you to wait, Mrs. Van Newberg ? 

Mrs. Van N. Why, of course, Mr. Knickerbocker, go. I 
think Mr. Ainslee can manage three women. 

RowENA. Undoubtedly. 

Sherwood. Thank you. 

Ralph {Jiat in hand'). Modesty forbids his saying so, bui 
he considers himself much more capable of managing them 
than I am. 

{He disappears quickly, oiit'L.') 

Sherwood. That sounds very much like a challenge, 
doesn't it ? 

Rowena {inischievoiisly). Yours is merely the arrogance 
of the unmarried man, Mr. Ainslee, who is sure he could man- 
age a woman on the principle that every one can master a grief, 
but he that has it. I am not for trusting your own estimate of 
yourself — as witness your downfall in ''baby talk." 

Mrs. Van N. Yes, Mr. Ainslee, Mr. Knickerbocker had 
you there ! 

RowENA. And you will probably find when you get you a 
wife, that your theories are as far afield as your ideas of babies. 

Sherwood. I would risk the experiment, Mrs. Van New- 
berg. 

Mrs. Van N. Yes, Mr. Ainslee, wait till you're married like 
Mr. Knickerbocker. 

Violet {aghast). Married — like Mr. Knickerbocker ! 

Mrs. Van N. Yes, Mr. Knickerbocker has been married 
for several years. 

Violet. Several — years ! Ob, that's impossible ! 

Mrs. Van N. Why ? 

Violet. I have always understood Mr. Knickerbocker was 
— unmarried. 

Mrs. Van N. My dear, how could you ? His wife is at 
present out of tow'n with the baby, visiting her mother. I'm 
right, am 1 not, Mr. Ainslee ? 

Sherwood {not quite sure of his ground, but determined to 
stand by Ralph). Yes, oh, yes. 

Mrs. Van N. The baby is exactly a year old and walks 
and talks — my dear, you are ill? {To Violet.) 

Violet. No, no. I am quite well. But I'm interested in 
Mr. Knickerbocker's family. Tell me more. 



WEST OF OMAHA 



23 



Mrs. Van N. Mr. Knickerbocker has no portrait of his 
wife, but ex[)ects to paint her soon with the baby — he has no 
baby picture, — but 

(Charlie reappears at the door, l.) 

Charlie. Mr. Ainslee, dah's an ol' gen'man down-stahs 
askin' fo' Mistah Knickerbocker. He's settni' on the bottom 
step of the first rise of stahs an' he sez he ain't goin' to take 
chances dat Mr. Knickerbocker don't live heah. You'll have 
to come down, sah, if you spect him to come up. 

Sherwood. Who is he, Charlie? 

Charlie. Sez his name's Styles. 

Sherwood. Uncle Ephraim ! Good Lord ! Ralph must 
have missed him. Charlie, I can't have him up here. If 
Uncle Ephraim gets a sniff of this matrimonial affair — what am 
I going to do, Ciiarlie, man to man? 

Charlie. Wall, Mistah Ainslee, Ah might throw the ol' 
gen'man out'n to the street, if you say. But it'd cost somepin. 

Sherwood. Cost something! Well I guess so. It'd cost 
Ralph almost a neat million. Uncle Eph's more valuable than 
he looks. Tell him Mr. Knickerbocker isn't in, Charlie, and 
let him sit there till he comes back. I've got my hands full as 
it is. 

Charlie (shaking his head). Women, Mistah Ainslee, 
the root of all evil. Dah a bad lot, all o' 'em. (He starts 
out door, L.) Wall, Mistah Sherwood, I'll jes' tell the ol' 
gen'man 

Mr. Ephraim Styles (without). Well, my good man, what 
will you tell the old gentleman? 

Sherwood (groaning). He's come up' anyhow. 

Charlie {sliding around Mr. S. as he enters). Ah, ah — 
was jes' saying — yas, dat's jes' what 1 wuz saying. 

(He disappears hastily.) 

Mr. S. (to Sherwood). This is Ralph Knickerbocker's 
studio? 

Sherwood. Yes. Is this Uncle Eph,—er, Mr. Styles? 

Mr. S. That is my name, young man. 

Sherwood. Ainslee, Sherwood Ainslee. 

Mr. S. (abruptly). What? 

Sherwood {slighfly irritated). That's my name, sir, 
Sherwood Ainslee. 



24 WEST OF OMAHA 

Mr. S. Don't trouble yourself to speak so loud ; I'm not 
deaf. 

Sherwood {with venom). I'm sorry ! 

Mr. S. Eh ? 

Sherwood. Sorry to have spoken so loud. 

Mr. S. {suspiciously). Oh ! May I inquire where my 
nephew may be ? 

Sherwood. Gone to meet you according to your telegram. 

Mr. S. Late, I suppose, late as usual. Never does any- 
thing on time. 

Sherwood. He's probably looking everywhere for you. 
Don't you think you really ought to relieve his mind of 
anxiety? {He attempts to gently waft Mr. S. toward the 
door.) You won't stay and wait for him, will you ? 

Mr. S. That is precisely my intention, young man. 

{^He seats himself firmly at l.) 

Sherwood {dispassionately, under his breath). Damn ! 
{To Mr. S.) You won't meet the ladies, I suppose? 

Mr. S. You rush to remarkable conclusions, young man. 
You may introduce the females. 

Sherwood. Females! {Crossing to the women at r.) 
Mrs. Van Newberg, may I present Mr. Knickerbocker's uncle, 
Mr. Styles, to you and your daughters ? 

Mrs. Van' N. Delighted, I'm sure. Mr. Knickerbocker's 
uncle, or his wife ? 

Sherwood {desperately). Mr. Knickerbocker's uncle. 
And, and — Mr. Styles — doesn't approve of Ralph's wife, 
Mrs. Van Newberg, so if you will consider his feelings and not 
mention the lady 

Mrs. Van N. Oh, Mr. Ainslee, not a family skeleton al- 
ready ! 

Sherwood {shaking his head sadly). Yes, Mrs. Van New- 
berg, I fear so. {They cross to c.) 

Sherwood. Mrs,. Van Newberg, let me present Mr. Styles 
— Miss Arnold, Mr. Styles, — Miss Van Newburg, Mr. Styles. 

{The introductions are acknowledged.) 

Mrs. Van N. {to Mr. S.). You have a lovely morning for 
your arrival in town, Mr. Styles. 

Mr. S. Not to my way of thinking. These idiots that turn 
off the heat the first of April — April fools, April fools ! * 



WEST OF OMAHA 2$ 

{He turns up his coat collar.') 

Mrs. Van N. You feel the cold ? 

Mr. S. Feel, madam, feel is not the word. Any one can 
feel cold — I suffer from it, agonize in it ! 

Mrs. Van N. Now, I am just that way about tlie heat 



Sherwood. Oh, safe and neutral ground — the weather ! 
{He goes to Mrs. Van N. and Mr. S. at l.) 

Violet {to Rowena, ^/ r.). Rowena ! 

RowENA. Yes ! 

Violet. Are you sure Mr. Knickerbocker is married ? 

Rowena. Well, there doesn't seem much room for doubt. 
Mamma has known for a long time of his wife from some Mrs. 
Henry Martin, and he himself has spoken of her and his baby 
a number of times to-day. Why are you so interested in him? 

Violet {with a burst of pent-up feeling). Why ! Why ! 
Because for three months he's made love to me, that's why.' 
Because I have considered myself engaged to him, that's 
why {Her voice catches and tears seem immi7ient.) 

Rowena {keeping a wary eye on the group at l.). Vi, for 
goodness' sake ! Don't cry here. I— 1 'can't believe it. Mr. 
Knickerbocker don't look like that kind of a man. There 
must be some mistake. 

Violet. No, there isn't. When I came to-day, he seemed 
embarrassed,— didn't want me to come in,— didn't think it was 
'' proper," when all the time you and mother were here, and 
he knew it ! 

Rowena. When did you meet him ? 

Violet. Just after mother was married. 

Rowena. Then he'd never seen mamma ? 

Violet. No. 

Rowena. Well, very likely he didn't know her to-day, 
,vhen we did come. 

Violet. All the more reason he felt safe to speak of his 
wife and baby. I hate him— and I hate myself and I hate 
everybody. {She goes up r. ; SHERWOODy^/W Rowena.) 

Rowena {to him). Oii, dear ! I wish I were out West 
agam. 

Sherwood. Why? now? 

Rowena. Because marriage and giving in marriage seems 
SH-npler out there ! 

Sherwood. Thinking of Dakota ? 



26 WEST OF OMAHA 

RowENA. Dakota has nothing to do with marriage, Mr. 
Ainslee. Its only occupation is divorce. 

Sherwood. Then I am right, for I'll warrant every Dakota 
divorce produces two marriages. 

RowENA. That's not what I meant when I said marriage 
was simpler in the West. But it is. 

Sherwood. If it is, let's leave by the next train. 

Mrs. Van N. {to Mr. S.). Violet is my own daughter, Mr. 
Styles, and Rowena my stepdaughter. My first husband was 
Colonel Endicott Arnold. 

Mr. S. {astownded'). Endicott Arnold ! On my soul ! a 
most remarkable coincidence ! Endicott Arnold. 

Mrs. Van N. {slightly alarmed). ■ Ye-es, Mr. Styles. 

Mr. S. Why, madam, your husband and 1 were boys to- 
gether. Boys ! A most remarkable coincidence ! Yes, in- 
deed, I knew your husband well. It's most remarkable that 
here in my nephew's studio I should meet his wife and 
daughter. 

Mrs. Van N. It is indeed, Mr. Styles. 

Mr. S. You may well say it is — but the most remarkable 
part you've not heard, not heard. 

Mrs. Van N. Indeed ? 

Mr. S. I- have come to town expressly to look up your 
daughter — my old friend Endicott Arnold's daughter. 

Mrs. Van N. Really, Mr. Styles ! 

Mr. S. I am a blunt man, madam, and a determined man, 
also. I have for some time seen tlie need of laying down defi- 
nite lines for my nephew. And when I heard from mutual 
friends that Endicott Arnold's daughter was grown and eligible; 
I decided to come directly to town and arrange a marriage 
between this girl and my nephew. I am a blunt man and 
a determined man, Mrs. Van Newberg. 

Mrs. Van N. {taken aback). My dear Mr. Styles, not even 
a determined man can annul a marriage. 

Mr. S. I have no need of annulling a marriage, my dear 
madam, I am going' to make one. 

Mrs. Van N. But, my dear Mr. Styles, if your nephew is 
already supplied with a wife 

Mr. S. What ! 

Mrs. Van N. You may not like her, nevertheless she is his 
wife. 

Mr. S. {sputter i Jig). My nephew — a wife — married ! What 
do you mean, madam ? 



WEST OF OMAHA 27 

Mrs Van N. Just what I say-Mr. Ainslee told me you 
aid not like her; but you cannot ignore her, Mr. Styles 

Mr S. My nephew, married ! By heavens, madam, what 
loes lie mean— what does he mean, I say ? 

Mrs Van N. My dear Mr. Styles-l'm sure I don't know. 
You 11 have to ask Mr. Ainslee. 

Mr. S {crossing to Sherwood). My nephew— married- 
married ! Js he, sir, is he, sir, is he? 

Sherwood {hastily). No, no, no ' 

man-led P^^""^' ^"' ^'""^''' ^"" ^^^'^" ^^ ^^^ ^^ ''' "^^ 

Sherwood {gathering himself together-). No, no, no ' 
Ainslee^?^ C^^^^^'^^^/^^-^^/-^). Is he married or isn't he, Mr. 

Sherwood (,..z;/;;^ a despairing glance around the grovp). 
I don t know ! [He bolts to door l. , and disappears ) ' 

Mrs. Van N. I shall most certainly await Mr. Knicker- 
Docker s return. 1 here is something more than a skeleton here. 
{She seats herself.) 

his^retun;. ^'^^ ^""^ '''''^^'''' ^''^^''' ^"^ '^^ ^ ^^^^" ^^^^^ 

(^He seats himself slightly above Mrs. Van N. and in a line 
with her ^/ K. Violet silently but significantly puts a 
chair above Mr. S.'s, preserving the direct line.) 

r^?Z^''\ ^^?w7 f ^^''Ph^'^^nx thus ranged against Ralph's 
^^//^r/0 I think I ought to do scout duty and warn Mr 
Knickerbocker of the ambush. ^She starts out L. ) 

Mrs. Van N. Rowena ! ^ 

Rowena. Yes, mamma. 

Mrs. Van N. Please be seated. 

(Rowena ;v//.r;.^/^ door r. and seats herself opposite the 
array, plainly indicating her sympathy with the enemy. 
if%'"%~ 'y/'/'f'^ 'i^' ''^'-^'^ gathering force in each 
Lr\f7 "^ 'r'] ^^^- S-'S jaw gets grimmer and 
ZZl ; y^^'/'^^J ' handkerchief comes now and then into 
play only to be determinedly rammed back into its abiding 
place, as anger gets the better of tears. Mrs. Van N. is 
calmer than these, but no less determined to fathom the 

7 nJil r^^'f '' '^-''''^^'^^ ^''''''' '^ ^-'^''^-^ ^^^ shake 
mem all and an almost tncontrollable inclination to laugh. 



28 WEST OF OMAHA 

The silence grows tlilck and oppressive. Finally it is 
broken by the sound off l. of an even tread ascendi7ig the 
steps. The waiters grow more alert. Their gaze turns 
toward the door. ) 

RowENA {tmder her breatJi). The victim approaches. 
Br-r-r ! What an array ! {IFith a glance at the line r.) 

Ralph enters from L., opening and closing the door. He has 
regained some of his janntiness. As he closes the door, 
he says before looking well into the room. 

Ralph. Missed Uncle Eph altogether. Don't know what 
he'll think of me ! 

Mr. S. {^grimly'). He is about to tell you, sir ! 

Ralph {turning at his voice). Uncle Ephraim ! I looked 
everywhere for you. I never dreamed you'd come here. 

Mr. S. I can well believe that, sir. And practicing upon 
my seeming innocence and trusting 1 would not descend on 
you, you have lived, sir, a double life. {Rises excitedly.') 
Who is your wife? What is your wife? 

Ralph {desperately, taking the bull by the horns). I haven't 
any wife. 

ROWENA. Ah \. 

Mrs. Van N. You haven't any wife? 

Ralph. No ! 

Mr. S. You haven't any wife? 

Ralph. No ! 

Violet. You haven't any wife? 

Ralph. No ! 

RowENA. Of course you haven't ! 

Ralph {to he?-). Thank you for that. 

Mr. S. Pooh, sir ! Pooh, sir ! Do you take us for chil- 
dren, that you expect us to believe the first lie you clioose to 
tell ? You liave admitted to these ladies, your friend has ad- 
mitted under pressure to me, that you have a wife, sir, that 
you're married, sir. ' Don't deny it, there's no use for denial. 

Ralph. Very well, sir, I won't deny it. But look for her, 
search for her, produce her, and I will acknowledge her if you 
can find her. I adopted a wife because Mrs. Van Newberg 
thrust her on me. I didn't want a wife — I never want a 
wife 

Violet (/;/ aji undertone). Ralph ! 

Ralph {waxing warmer). No, I don't. Mrs. Van*New- 



WEST OF OMAHA 29 

berg took me for another fellow, and I let her go on thinking 
so. Thai's the whole of it. It's his wife, not mine ; his baby, 
not mine ; his mother-in-law, thank heaven, not mine. There, 
that's the truth. You can take it or leave it. 

[He flings himself into a chair.) 

Mr. S. a likely story, sir, a likely story. 
RowENA. I think it is a likely story. 
Mrs. Van N. Rowena ! 
RowENA. Well, I do. 

Mrs. Van N. A likely story, indeed. I am not so easily 
deceived. 

Sherwood enters from l. He goes to left of Rowena. 

Sherwood {to her). The worst has come ? 

Rowena. Mr. Knickerbocker has told the truth. Natu- 
rally no one believes him. It's asking too much. 

Mr. S. Prove it, prove it, sir. 

Ralph. I can't prove it; you've got to take my bare 
word. 

Mr. S. Your ''bare word," sir? Your thread\idx^ word. 

(Charlie appears in doorway.') 

Charlie. Mistah Sherwood, heah's a lettah come by special 
messenger. He's waitin' an answer. Poh Mistah Knicker- 
bocker ! {He luaits.') 

Sherwood {taking letter and reading address). Ralph 
Knickerbocker, Esq. {To Ralph.) Here, man, you've got 
to answer it. 

Ralph {loearily). Open it for me, please, Sherwood. 

Sherwood {opening it and reading). By George ! Here's 
your alibi. "Mr. Knickerbocker, Esq., Dear Sir: May I 
trouble you to let me know by messenger if a note intended for 
me was miscarried to you ? The note is from Mrs. Alexander 
Van Newberg concerning a portrait of her daughter to be 
painted by me. Mrs. Henry Martin has been at my studio all 
morning awaiting Mrs. Van Newberg, whom she was sure was 
to call on me this morning. Awaiting your reply, I am yours 
very truly, Ralph H. Knickerbocker." 

{He hands the note to Mrs. Van N.) 

Mrs. Van N. {with dignity). Please send word by the 



30 



WEST OF OMAHA 



messenger that I shall be with Mr. Knickerbocker at once, 
Violet, Rovvena. 

(She sweeps toward the door. The girls follow her lingeringly .') 

Mr. S. One moment, if you please, madam. If we settle 
up a little matter here and now, it will save me another day in 
town. Young lady, 1 have already indicated to your muiher, 
for reasons of my old friendship for your father, my wish that 
you marry my nephew. Ralph, what have you to say, sir? 

Ralph (evasively). It seems manners to me, sir, to hear 
first from the lady. 

Mr. S. Well, my dear? He'll be rich, I can assure you. 

Violet (to Ralph). Will you take me after all this? 

Ralph (holding out his arms). With both arms ! 

(She runs into them.) 

Mrs. Van N. (aghast). Violet 1 

Sherwood (to Rowena ; aside). Will you take me ? 

RowENA. Yes, when mamma isn't looking. 

(He snatches her hands and kisses thein. At this moment 
Mrs. Van N. turns and sees them.) 

Mrs. Van N. Rowena ! 

(She sinks Utiiply i^ito a chair ^ and as they rush to revive 
her the curtain descends quickly.) 



RECENT NOVELTIES. 



THE ANCIENT ORDER 
OF KNIGHTS OF CHIVALRY 

A "Burlesque InithUon in One Scene. 
By O, E. YOUNG, 

P^CE 25 CENTS. 



CHARACTERS: 

Kxfr^^V^ n;^'' ^^'«^'^^^' ^^e Medical ExalnS^e" ^^' 
Kxi?S? OP m fr-^^^'''^- ^'^''Oeon Extraordinary. 
^^\^J^Z ?^ ^^"^ .^T'*"^' Gi-Mr,KT, /lis Assistant. 

IjOTliy tilUH J'.XKCUTIOXER. 

IKUCULKNT Squire, the Marshal. 
Glorious Guards (tu-o). 
Pages (two). 

i'KOFESSOK Martin, a member of the Facultv 

Kiiiglits of tlie Order ad libitum. 



BARBARA. 

A Comedy in One Ad, 
By JEROME K. JEROME. 

interest. The character of Barb •will i"?^">^'^=^>; ".^ ^^^-^"^ Jram.itio 
aad earnestly presented. Play.i fort^-fiie Sut'es^ ""^ nnpressTon, simply 

P^CE J5 CENTS. 



NEW COi\IEDIES. 



BACHELOR HALL. 

cAn Original Comedy in Three c/lds. 
By RACHEL E, BAICER and ROBERT MELVILLE BAKER, 

AUTHORS OF "MR. BOB," "FOR OXJC NIGHT 0^'LY," "THE CHAPERON," "A 

KING'S DAUGHTER," "HER PICTURE," "NO MEN WANTED," 

"BLACK MAGIC," "AN AWKWARD SQUAD," ETC. 

Eight males, four females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, one interior, the 
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recommended. Can be played only on payment of an author's royalty of §5.00 
for each performance. Plays a i'uil evening. 

PRICE 25 CENTS. 



CHARACTERS: 

The Hon. Geoffry Myrtleton, Congressman from the Ninth 

District Leading Comedy 

Silas JEKVIS \ Mijrtletoii' s constituents from liambletown Character 
x^jLIsha 1j asset J 

ExsiGN INlEREDiTH, acting under sealed orders Juvenile 

PiyKKKToy Ca.se, an amateur detective Eccentric Comedy 

Vere Lee, an amateur actor and author of the " Fatal Shot " Jurenile 

j Xiii^ER, the but/er at Bachelor Hall Negro Comedy 

O'Ivourke, a policeman Irish Comedy 

BuTTY V \yscK, Myrtleton's ward Snubrette 

Polly llEYNOLDS, mi ama^ettr actress Souhrettc 

Mrs. Van Styne, vho has dramatic aspirations Character 

Claire, her daughter ivho has not Character 



SYNOPSIS: 

Act I. —The living room at Bachelor Hall. The great trunk mystery. 

Act II. — The same. The fatal shot. " Enjoy yourself." 

Act III. — The same once more. Pinkerton Case. The highest bidder 



IN HONOR BOUND. 

c/1 'Drama in One cAd, 
By SYDNEY GRUNDY. 

Tv70 males, two females. Costumes, mo<lern ; scenery, pimple. This admi- 
rable little play, condensed from a five-act comedy, is a gi int among one-act 
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play of their talents, and for it.s audience a piece of very unusual strength of 
interest. A guaranteed success in almost any liands. Plays about an hour. 

PRICE 15 CENTS. 

^rOPY DF-^ ro CAT O'V. 

DEC 14.1203 



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